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The government has announced that minor members of the royal family, including Princess Michael of Kent and the Duchess of Kent, are to be merged in an effort to reduce the Civil List and increase efficiency within the royal family.

‘Many people are not aware that Princess Michael of Kent and the Duchess of Kent are in fact separate people, and so will barely notice their merger,’ said a spokesman for the Ministry of Constitutional Affairs.

The new ‘Duchess Michael of Kent’ will incorporate all the duties formerly undertaken by both royals, although apart from getting free tickets to Wimbledon, no-one was quite sure what these involved.

Other mergers will involve Viscount Linley being absorbed by the Duke of Gloucester and the Countess of Wessex being reorganized to incorporate both Lady Sarah Armstrong Jones and Lady Davina Windsor.

A full scale investigation into expenditure on Britain’s extended royal family has uncovered a great deal of waste and pockets of corruption within the system. ‘Our research has shown that money was being allocated to distant cousins of the Queen who had been made up. We discovered that ‘Lady Rose’ was actually a gin cocktail in Princess Margaret’s old drinks cabinet, while the ‘Earl of Ulster’ was one of a number of horses and black labradors who have been given dukedoms or lordships down the years.’

These direct debits have now all been cancelled, while Lady Marina has been sold for scrap on the discovery that she was in fact a car.

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