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A HARDY LUCK STORY

As political correctness continues to take over the world, Finkle asks where we would all be today if we had been so careful not to offend two hundred years ago?

In the last few years, I have read several articles about political correctness in the Media.

This year is the 200th anniversary of the Battle of Trafalgar which nicely coincides with SeaBritain or The Year of the Sea 2005

A re-enactment of the Battle is to take place on 28th of June, off Portsmouth, but this time as to not give offence to those Nations, France & Spain, who were defeated; it will be a Battle between the Blue fleet & the Red Fleet!

So whilst our esteemed, Powder Monkey Cllr. Peter Smith, increases his labours, now he has more time on his hands, over his scale model of H.M.S. Victory, that took part in one of the greatest sea battles in our history & contemplates the resounding trashing handed out by the electors to himself & to his scheming, devious & underhanded ship- mate, Midshipman Peter Carroll, to whom the electorate have given a good keel hauling to & then set adrift in a long boat without rations or compass

One of my old colleagues has written a politically correct version of a conversation that may have taken place on board HMS Victory, between Admiral Horatio Nelson and Captain Thomas Masterman Hardy, which may amuse fellow readers:

21st. October 1805 (brought up to date)

Admiral Lord Nelson: "Order the signal Hardy."

Captain Thomas Masterman Hardy: "Aye Aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the officer. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir."

Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledygook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy I'm afraid, Sir. We're an equal opportunity employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist.

Nelson: "Gadzooks! Hardy, hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking. "

Nelson: "Good heavens Hardy, I suppose we'd better get on with it...full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find there's a four knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We're on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest Sir. No harness. And they said that the rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy." 

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, Sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the area of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons." 

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, Sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt! Haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy. "

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone Admiral." 

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."

Hardy: "It's not that Sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, Sir, we're not." 

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No Sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate the Frenchmen as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be on a disciplinary."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, Sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest - it's in the rules."

Nelson: "Don't tell me, health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: "As I explained, Sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe it's to be encouraged, Sir."

Nelson: "In that case...kiss me Hardy."



Finkle pass on the kissing & sodomy!!

Finkle