News
A Guide to drinking
Posted by finkle on Feb 23, 2005 - 08:12 PM
Filed under: Articles, Finkle's fun
A Guide to drinking
submitted by Finkle
| SYMPTOM | FAULT | ACTION |
| Feet cold and wet |
Glass
being held at incorrect angle |
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling |
| Feet warm and wet |
Improper
bladder control |
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training |
| Beer unusually pale and tasteless | Glass
empty |
Get somebody to buy another beer |
| Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights | You
have fallen over backward |
Have yourself lashed to
the bar |
| Mouth contains cigarette butts | You have fallen over forward | See above |
| Beer tasteless, front of
shirt is wet |
Mouth not open or glass applied to wrong part of face | Retire to restroom,
practice in mirror |
| Floor blurred |
You are looking through bottom of an empty glass | Get somebody to buy another beer |
| Floor moving |
You
are being carried out |
Find out if you are being taken to another bar |
| Room seems unusually dark |
Bar
has closed |
Confirm home address with bar tender |
| Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures | Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations | Cover mouth |
| Everyone looks up to you and smiles | You are dancing on the table | Fall on somebody cushy looking |
| Beer is crystal clear |
It's water, somebody is trying to sober you up | Punch him |
| Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear |
You
have been in a fight |
Apologise to everyone you see just in case it was them |
| Don't recognise anyone or the room you are in | You've
wandered into the wrong party |
See if they have free beer |
| Your singing sounds distorted |
The
beer is too weak |
Have more beer until voice improves |
| Don't remember words to the song | Beer
is just right |
Play air guitar |
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